Saturday, November 20, 2010

Diary extract No. 21

We were like Ghosts this day. Weightless. Boneless. I clutched at Luna's hand so I wouldn't float away. We sat beside the Seine and fed swans bits of baguette, but the swans preferred to nibble our boot-encased toes. The lights from the boats made them all glitter and glow-in-the-dark, remember? We bought The Little Prince from a vendor on a whim, dreamed about flying away with a cloud of birds. But what about his rose, his poor, poor rose? Wandered until we were much too exhausted to walk. So we sat on benches, watching carousels spin slowly, soft music like a lullaby while we waited out the tiny rainshowers. We were silent on the train home. It was almost like not breathing.

Hallowe'en was lovely. We had a costume party of curiously lost people. There was Anastasia Romanov with jewels sewn to her chest and Amelia Earhart with her wretched aeroplane. And the Beaumont children stayed in the corner all night. I silently wished I could spend my whole life pretending to be someone else. 

Haven't been able to sleep for the cold. Dragged all of our bedclothes out and constructed sheet forts. We don't believe in beds any more, just piles of pillows and sheets and down duvets. Pretending we are following Lyra on her way to the North, following polar bear tracks. Spent the evening pasting rose petals to my cheeks because I've forgotten how to blush. I have forgotten a lot of things. Forgotten how to breathe, how to feel, how to remember. Feeling less-than-human lately because, you see, knowing Science has the oddest ability to do that to you. To make you into a Ghost and I know I mustn't let it, but what scares me the most is that sometimes I don't mind. Because humans have all these terrible Feelings behind their breastbones and and breathing is so very difficult, like my Feelings are crushing my poor lungs. I don't know how to get rid of mine. 

I wish I did. 

P.S. Papa is coming for the weekend. Taking me to the Ballet, but The Nutcracker always gives me nightmares. 

22 comments:

skye said...

I am so easily lost in your forest of words, but I care not for finding my way out. Lovely. x

Hannah said...

Anastasia Romanov and Amelia Earhart? Your Hallowe'en must have been really wonderful.
And Paris is beautiful, isn't it? I would have liked to see the swans glowing in the dark.
xx Take care.

Joanna said...

Your words are so beautiful! I especially love "Spent the evening pasting rose petals to my cheeks because I've forgotten how to blush." What a curious picture you paint for us. So, so lovely. xxxx

Anjelica said...

Thank you for coming back dear Elly, I've missed your words terribly xxx

grace mouse said...

this is so beautiful my dear, you write in the most magical way. i do hope you enjoy the ballet xx

Destynee said...

Oh, how I've missed your words.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for returning.
x

Julia said...

I recognize this bridge and the buildings. Paris, right? The little green cases on the walkway with antique books inside are so enchanting, as are the locks there. And your words, oh, your words.

Parisian ducks are lovely.

andy said...

Those things you described, the sitting by the Seine feeding swans and having costume parties with actually interesting and well-thought themes, this is the way I imagine my future life someday. And you have described it so beautifully, it's like I asked you to put my dreams into words and I am very thankful for that, even though I don't know you and you don't know me.
Sometimes I am so grateful that we live in this time; I know there are horrible things happening and the world is becoming a more violent place day by day, but right now, sitting here curled up in my blanket, I can't help but admire the possibilities of this moment. Reading thoughts of a wonderful person who lives miles away, writes in a language that is not my own but who maybe likes the same music or books as I do - well, that makes me feel not less-than-human, not a Ghost. Maybe that wasn't the point of your post but I had to share it with you. Sleep is weighing my eyelids so everything seems more like an old movie than usual. Forgive me for extensive comment and the clumsiness of my words, and thank you again.

not wendy said...

Loathe feelings, wish I could disregard life and run away with the swans, and you. All my love. xx

Jen said...

oh goodness, this is beautiful. i wish i could give you a hug somehow.
i've been feeling very ghost-like myself xox

Thea said...

Elly, I do not know how to breathe when I read your words, and I forget how to think. You whisk me away into another world, warm and golden with everything I have ever felt and been unable to say myself. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to follow Lyra's footsteps in the snow, but I always end up lost and shivering. Feelings are like chains sometimes, I know, I know. Take care, beauty. x

Jen said...

Oh elly thank you. I often look back through the pages of your diary and get lost in your words. It's always the greatest comfort to me, like hot chocolate or a favourite blanket xxx
P.S I hope you enjoy the nutcracker and hope it doesn't give you too many nightmares. I was longing to see it this year but sadly I'm unable to. (But still I was lucky enough to see swan lake back in september).

ᑭᓐᓇᕆ said...

though i've never before commented, i missed hearing the beauty you create just by living. i'm so glad you've let us into your life again.

mckenzie. said...

what beautiful photographs. I followed you, by the way. I'm new. :)

Rachel said...

Elly, it is good to read your words again. I miss you.
xx

Natasha Natalie said...

Absolutely enchanting. Your words are beautiful.
xx

Jazzy E (hivennn) said...

beautiful x hivennn.

scraped elbows said...

Elly, your trip sounds absolutely beautiful, I wish that I could have joined you on your adventures, the Halloween party sounds incredible too - curiously lost people is such a wonderful idea! <3 xxx

Anonymous said...

wish I had a Dad here taking me to see Ballet as well. oh how lucky you are, having all that. this is just beautiful. xx

Jen said...

No, I haven't, although it sounds very interesting! xxx

Lily of the valley said...

Beautiful pics :)

anouk said...

but what if you had?
what i really like is the mood in your photography and the combination with your texts...

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like talking to trees, your whispers hidden in the wind. only sometimes the trees talk back. like wishing on a star and having the star wish on you. say what you like; there's always someone listening.
a very merry thank you.