Thursday, February 10, 2011

Diary extract No. 24

January was: Tiny swan painted on my cheek, gliding across my cheekbone. Tumbling into rosebushes in my sleep, somehow; surprise scratches on my face and arms. Days spent squinting through microscopes, pink stains seeping into my memories. Sherlock Holmes' birthday, poor dear; one hundred and fifty seven. Photographs taken of roses at midnight. Painting my toenails in the middle of the night, by torchlight while everyone else sleeps. Thoughts of letters lost through Time, kept safe in someone else's attic trunks. Reading three books in one day, almost like riding a bicycle. Forgetting how to sleep, terrified of remembering how. Practising cartography with the inside of my mind, but it's far too impossible to make sense of the labyrinths. Tripping over my toes and scraping my knees to bits, droplets of blood soaking through my tights. Feeling like I'm stuck on a too-fast carousel and all the colours blur until I close my eyes.


Alexandre is hiding from me, so I've no one to talk to, really. I've been having such strange dreams whenever I fall asleep and they frighten me a bit. Dreams of Anastasia and Alexei escaping and running through the snowy plains of Siberia, soldiers marching after them and Alexei is shot and the blood makes a trail until it disappears into a sea of bones. The worst of it is that they always die, they always must. Dreams of the boy with the pocket watch that can't keep time and has no name and his seamstress mother and tailor father. He always has different faces. I don't think he knows who he is. Dreams of a travelling circus and the tent that is really a girl's favourite dress. There's a ticket in my hand, but I'm always too afraid to go inside. Dreams of a captain who follows whales that don't exist and insists we don't call him Ishmael. The Antithesis of Ahab and his whale. I think maybe Alexandre is telling me stories as I sleep, but he's always gone missing when I wake up. 

18 comments:

Basil said...

Your writing Elly, it is perfection. And Anastasia, and Alexei. And everything.

Julia said...

oh, they alll go missing when we wake up. it is so terrifying to me. I have missed your little haunting words so; will hold these close to my heart, they clutch it. xx

TLC said...

Awesome, Inspiring.....

Joanna said...

You are simply amazing, dear. So, so very sad how the Tsarist family perished. I feel so much for Alexei and his sisters; innnocent, playful children. They were done away with so harshly. Darling, your blog is a mirror of wonderland. I often get lost in here, reading your beautiful words. I hope you are well, my dear. xx

Thea said...

You remind me always to view the world with a starry-eyed wonder which makes even the smallest things magical. I must try painting my toenails by torchlight. Oh, have you ever written a story by moonlight? You should. Once, I sat at my window with the curtains open and scribbled hasty words until dawn. And when I read it through the next day, I saw that the story was sprinkled with stardust. All my love, and loveliest wishes for February, xxxxxx

TheTruffler said...

You write so beautifully, you dream so wonderfully. You seem to have a magical life, I love it xxx

skye said...

I've missed your words Elly, and your dreams. x

sara said...

your writing is magical, you're a doll! love you words, every one of them
xx

SOFIA said...

wow!!

Lex said...

I am not good at describing things when I am at the height of my feelings. But believe when I say that your writing is terribly beautiful. You leave me speechless and that is rare.

Grace said...

this is wonderful:) x

mckenzie. said...

You are so beautiful, the way your words are pieced together. Stunning. x

mckenzie. said...

for the record, dear, I have listed you, too. x (I have been meaning to for a while now! computer issues, you know.)

Jazzy E (hivennn) said...

so beautiful. x hivennn

Juliane said...

This whole entry reads like a beautiful fairytale and I'm in dire need of some. So consider yourself a lifesaver, dear. :)

Beth Retro said...

love your blog :)
add me if you like http://twitter.com/#!/bethretro
http://www.bethretrodreams.blogspot.com
have a lovely day!
beth x

Jen said...

I think this is my most favourite of all your writings - you are ever so wonderful yourself, elly xx

eden said...

oh,your words are so magical and that photo is a dream. xx

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like talking to trees, your whispers hidden in the wind. only sometimes the trees talk back. like wishing on a star and having the star wish on you. say what you like; there's always someone listening.
a very merry thank you.