Sunday, March 27, 2011

Diary extract No. 25


So many days spent Worrying. I worry about the cracks, sometimes. Worry they are going to open wide and swallow everything and all the universe will bury us alive. Can't step on them, can't ever step on them. Everyone makes fun, but they don't know. I don't think they will ever know and it's better that way. I worry about the wolves, as well. They are always lurking in the shadows and they are not the good sort of wolves. Lock the doors and close the windows and never go out alone at night. They would gobble me up as soon as they had a chance, but I will never give it to them. Never. I worry about the War, most of all. It's best not to understand. They haunt my dreams, you see, like horribly wonderful stories told to keep children quiet. Courage by daylight is easy. The hardest thing is to remember to be Brave in the dark. 

Then there are the days without the Worrying. It feels like being in museums. Just wandering through, slowly, and the thrill of quick fingers across an oil canvas. Like J.M. Barrie teaching the Davies brothers how to fly a kite. It hurts, a bit, on the inside behind my ribcage and lungs. Makes me wonder if Worry has its own place beside my heart, like a vital organ I need to live. Maybe on the days it goes, I am dying a tiny bit. That's why being happy is so magical because, you see, we're all still alive even though we've done a bit of dying.

P.S. Have you seen where Thursday's got to? I keep losing it and ending up with extra long Wednesdays and too-short Fridays. It's a bit of bother. 

14 comments:

Anjelica said...

Oh darling I have missed your writing ever so much. It made my day to see this xxx

grace mouse said...

once again your writing charms me, it's so lovely to read you again xx

julia said...

oh yes, a museum beneath your bed; filled with secrets and the things that will haunt you because they have always been there but you never knew.

This is absolutely beautiful. x

SavedthruLove said...

i like your new layout! How are you? I don't know if I am bold enough to write out a diary excerpt on here but I sure feel inspired! GOD BLESS LOVE!
♥cheche

MAUD said...

mmm i wholeheartedly encourage you to build a museum under your bed. i have several - one on my walls, one in my closet, the biggest in my heart and in my mind.

Thea said...

Oh, please don't ask me. I can't seem to keep a hold on Time myself, these days. Thursdays and Tuesdays are all the same, and weekends melt into Mondays with terrifying rapidity.

Deerest Elly. Thank you so much. You couldn't have posted at a more urgent time. I needed your words. They made me feel a little better, a little less like myself. All my love, xxx

Lumina said...

I've been reading your blog for a little while now, and I really love it. Your writing style is beautiful. <3
Having a museum under your bed sounds nice... I wonder what kind of museum it would be?

holly and the wolves said...

I know entirely what you mean about Worry being a part of you. Your words are lovely, beautiful, as ever - but if I might be a little bit too serious for a moment, it may possibly be worth seeing somebody about Anxiety? It's an unnecessary thing to suffer from, & very different from Depression, so people don't always understand. But then, I know all too well about the fear of getting rid of it. What would you be then? (I hope sincerely I don't sound rude or impertinent - it's just that this resonated with me, & I thought it might help, possibly, if you do have Anxiety, to let you know that you're not alone.)
The way you write is outstandingly beautiful & I adore the accompanying picture. One day I'd like to write a novel on a typewriter :) xx

skye said...

My heart remembers museums, and how they are always too full and too empty and hollow, but I miss the stones and the swords, as all we have here are stuffed birds.

Your words are a comfort, always. x

Jen said...

I wish I could build a museum beneath my bed...xx

Ellie said...

Your writing is beautiful, please never stop? :) xx

sara said...

your writing is so charming and lovely always. lately i have been worry free, and it makes me so happy. i hope you are the same.
ps. thursdays never seem long enough, i love them so!

Lex Cutamora said...

I read this three times and I wrote down the lines I liked best. I'm a worrier too and a pocket of sunshine seems too heavy for me to carry around like some people do.

I wish being pessimistic made me special or rich so it would be put to good use.

Lily of the valley said...

Beautiful blog.

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like talking to trees, your whispers hidden in the wind. only sometimes the trees talk back. like wishing on a star and having the star wish on you. say what you like; there's always someone listening.
a very merry thank you.